Momma Mel and Her Incapable Ducklings

Haiii, my name is Tiffany and I suck at flirting.

But apparently I know how to tell a joke… at my expense

 

So, now that it has been established that my flirting skill are basically non-existent lets get into the point of this post. I suck at flirting but only when it pertains to me. My friend Mel (not the Mel in the title) is just as bad. But she is a million times worse than I am. I get all sorts of flustered when I’m attracted to someone. I try the whole psyching myself up nonsense and sometimes it’s successful but usually I’m a giggly mess.

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These images were compiled in a Buzzfeed post that I loved

My other issue which drives everyone who knows me insane is that I will never outwardly admit to being attractive. It just isn’t who I am. It isn’t that I think I’m unattractive, it’s just that I’m awkward and I don’t really know how to react when given a compliment. If I agree I feel like I might come off as more confident than I am and if I don’t agree then you might read that as me fishing for compliments or as an insecurity that is probably not even floating about is my overtaxed brain. So usually I will usually find a way to brush it off with an innocuous blasé comment.

 

The crazy confident person I turn into who speaks her mind freely when sex and play have been withheld from me is a whole different story and she’s a monster bratty bitch who forgets her attraction and says the first thing that pops into her mind. I’d apologize for my behavior but if you are guilty of causing this withdrawal… you 100% deserve it. 

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Usually this awkwardness goes away once it has been established that the attraction is mutual and we move on to the texting stage… please refer to my earlier post about my issues with my failure at texting and driving people crazy. To surmise, I get distracted easily so starting conversations are probably not my strongest suit but I CAN text flirt, most times. There are certain situations and certain people that I am just a bundle of nerves around which sucks because they ultimately assume I am a bitch (which I can be but in this case, I’m not), that I’m not interested or I’m being dismissive. I’m not. I promise. You just throw me off my really crappy game. Just learn to accept the crazy mess that I am, I’ll eventually calm down and act normal… I think?

 

Blah.  So basically, I fail at everything and it make my sister both frustrated and amused with me. *Insert self-deprecating joke that will serve as Momma Mel’s core workout for the day*

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But my friend Mel is worse than I am, which is a feat in itself. She wasn’t always this bad but 8 yrs. of a relationship with little effort in the romance department has ruined her ability to flirt in either text or in person. Normally, she shoves the phone at Momma Mel or me, if none of us are around she texts me to help. It’s usually me because Momma Mel is scary and I drag friend Mel to the gym with me most days. Basically, she misses all the little signs that the other person is being all cutesy and flirty. In person, she forgets to speak or well basically do anything that doesn’t come off as bitchy.

 

I am not incapable of flirting. It is just a rare occurrence that I’m not even aware it’s happening. I also never notice when someone is into me unless they blatantly say so. You could wear a neon sign that say “Tiffany I’m interested” and I’ll think you mean another Tiffany until you walk your little butt (or big, no booty size discrimination here) up to me and say something. Please note that I will probably do the whole nervous giggle bit I mentioned above.

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But, I always feel so accomplished when my sister (in case you haven’t caught on, she’s Momma Mel) points out that I was flirting.

 

*Queue dorky victory dance that will inevitably lead to another unplanned injury*

 

This usually happens when we get a cute waiter at a restaurant that I have no real interest in. Basically, if I’m not invested and I have no plans to see you again… I can get my flirt on.

 

Ask me advice about flirting if you dare! Go ahead and hand me your phone and I’ll compose a witty as hell response. Flirting for other people… we’re all good, I gots this!

 

But ask me to do it for myself and nope. All the no. I’ve got nada. 90% of the time my mind blanks out. I’ll write my message, erase it and write it again until I’ve second guessed myself to the point of insanity and then you get those cold, bitchy dismissive texts that totally give the wrong impression of me.

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See what I mean about failing at all the things. Sorry Melie, I have failed you in all things flirt.

 

 

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