How Clumsy is Clumsy – How to bruise your butt without being spanked

I’ve already owned up to my inane talent at injuring myself to you guys, ya know by living life or whatever. I’ve fully admitted to breaking my toes on the regular because I apparently don’t know how to walk or function in my day to day life.

Last summer I destroyed my shin unpacking a car when I took a trip to Orlando and got some great tattoos (I need to go back soon). It took forever to heal, like over a month and I still have a pink scar from it.

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This is why I currently have a pink scar along my right shin

I regularly bump into things so I learned to stopped asking where my bruises have come from…. I have even managed to bruise my foot by dropping frozen waffles on it.

I’ll give you time to fully digest the tragedy that is my clumsiness.

I have hurt myself countless times in my 27 years (eepp I just realized I’m gonna be 28 in July), I wanna be a bad ass and say that 90% of my serious injuries came from playing sports or being a dancer but the sad, sad truth is that the percentage of those injuries are closer to 5%. Yup that’s right 95% of my ouchies were due to my inability to function.

For the sake of propriety, we will not count the ones I specifically asked for, let’s also throw this out there, I have never been seriously injured from a scene so that is the other reason those will not me counted. Asking to have my tushie spanked is does not lead to a trip to the ER.

My most recent trip down klutzy girl lane was at the gym. My friend wanted to get healthier so she started going with me. Recently she noticed what my butt looked like in tights and asked how to get one of those. I of course laughed and explained that was all genetics and my butt had been like that since I was a tinier version of myself  but that there were some exercises that help make your booty (I was gonna say fanny but if Adam is reading this, he’ll never forgive me for making him laugh till he cried and eventually choked… you darn Brits) more umm, of a bubble butt. She was game, so on leg day —  that is my favorite day, I pulled out the resistance bands, made her feel like crying (she now refers to me as gym mistress) and then moved on to squats. Sometimes I use a straight bar, most times deep squats work just fine… she’s not used to doing squats period so I figured no weights would be the safest. I walked her through the process again and erm well I got an owie from it (shaddap lady I can hear you snickering… it was NOT karma). When I went down, my bum and a insidious machine connected and welp… you get the picture lol I obviously got hurt. I finished my next 2 sets but my lawd that hurt.

I still stand by my official statement when asked how one bruises their ass outside of a booty spanking.

“The machine hates me and decided to jump up bite me in the ass”

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The machine in question

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